Thank you Fisher Price

My mother got a second hand swing for Kennady. It was the exact swing I had been looking at online. I LOVE it! The swing was missing the cord and the toy tray. They sell the cord on their website for $9 and a lamb toy tray for like $15. The lamb toy tray goes with the lamb swing not the sugar plum swing that we have. I emailed them asking if they had the matching Sugar Plum toy tray. Well I guess I was having one of my personal pity party days and told them all about my daughter and how she was in the NICU and everything else. Seems they felt for me and I got the most lovely email congratulating me on the birth of my daughter and that they were gifting me both the toy tray and the plug. I sat and cried like a baby. Sometimes it’s amazing to just know there are nice people and companies still out there. Not everyone is heartless and self absorbed. I have always loved Fisher Price’s products and now I love their company even more. So I would like to publically say THANK YOU to Fisher Price. My baby is a VERY happy camper and mommy is happy to not have to spend my life savings buying batteries.
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I have been sitting here festering over this shit for a couple weeks now. Damon called out of the blue babbling about wanting to help support Kennady and stuff.  So anyway he says that no one took into consideration that he drove two hours to the hospital the day AFTER I had Kennady. He whined about not getting to see her and me not taking him down to the NICU. EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME….. I had just been cut open less than 24 hours before this. I had a horrible cough which was hell on my stitches and made it so I couldn’t see my own baby in the NICU because I could make her or the other babies sick.  Which I would NEVER want. But I should have gotten up out of bed after having major surgery gotten into a wheel chair to take a “man” down to the NICU who hasn’t even been around during my pregnancy? ARE YOU KIDDIGN ME?!?!!? His reply to all of this was “Well this isn’t about you.” YES that’s the problem. He seems to think everything is about HIM. It’s NOT! It’s about Kennady!
He then had the audacity to say he’s “hurt” and “upset” because I act like he doesn’t care about Kennady. I don’t have to act like it he has shown it. He hasn’t purchased not one thing. My BFF, my family and I have purchased everything Kennady needs and then some.
I am starting to really understand why women let their kids’ father’s off the hook with child support. You get to the point where you want nothing from them but for them to go away and never return. UGH!
I fear my latest and future posts will get me into trouble. I guess to a point if something happens to me that’s not “natural”  maybe my posts will help point to who did it. I am trying to no longer be afraid of Damon’s anger and outbursts. I’m taking back my life and giving Kennady her best shot at a good life.
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My pregnancy regrets

I have quite a few pregnancy regrets. Some are silly and trivial and some are kind of important.
I regret…
* Not telling people sooner
* Not telling my mother in a proper manner
* Not going to more mommy/baby conventions
* Not taking more pregnancy pictures
* Not having a great maternity style
* Not taking more heart beat videos
* Not getting one of those heart beat bears (I was told they were stupid)
* Crying so much for the wrong reasons
* Not having a real gender reveal party
* Trusting Damon
* Letting the fear get the best of me
* Not writing more
* Not getting to do my NoH8 maternity photo
* Not taking the positive parenting class because I was told it was “Stupid white people shit” by Damon)
* Feeling like I was the bad one for wanting the above things and more
* Not standing up for myself and my daughter sooner.
I wasn’t abused in the physical sense but in the mental and emotional sense. Which from what my counselor has told me countless times is just as bad. Physical scars can heal, the mental ones can stay with you for life. I guess I believe that. Though I know women who’s physical scars have never healed either. The emotional torture from 22 weeks gestation on was almost debilitating. Now the torture is just frightening. So that being said my main regret is allowing someone else to steal my joy. Allowing Damon to make my pregnancy emotionally horrible when it should have been the best time of my life.
Kennady and I are some sort of dirty little secret I found out. Damon hadn’t bothered to tell his mother (who he lives with) that I was even pregnant. A huge part of me thinks I was starting to show so it was time for me to go away so no one knew. To this day Damon has never met her or done anything for her. At this point I’d like him to just go away and never bother us again.  He now also wants a DNA test for Kennady. He has the nerve to think she isn’t his. THAT is like a kick in the stomach. This is so hard for me to admit. I thought I was way smarter than this. I got played. I’ll live but just WOW!
* I’ve written this post about  a dozen times and I always delete it. My blog is my honest look at my life so I “have” to say it , I guess…….right?

I love this time of day

It’s 4:30am (at least it was when I started this entry lol) and everyone is asleep. It’s just me, Law and Order SVU and four loads of laundry. I love the little bit of quiet time I get at this hour. These last nine weeks have flown by. I can’t believe it. I find myself staring at Kennady in awe. She’s awesome! Such a good baby. Now that I’ve typed that she’ll turn into Rosemary’s Baby or something.

I also find myself thinking about all the things I want Kennady to have and how I can/will go about getting them. My family and best friend have been amazing. They have helped me at every turn. I am a very blessed woman. Kennady is loved by so many people. Many of which have never met her.

*I didn’t actually finish this post til 12:57pm. The princess woke up lol*

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Breastfeeding is EVERYTHING!!

Long before I got pregnant with Kennady I knew I wanted to exclusively breastfeed if I was able to. So far that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. As a matter of fact my life kinda revolves around it. I feed on demand not on a schedule. She eats when she wants to eat not when I want her to eat. Well wait let me back up. The first week of her life the NICU nurses fed her on demand. When she was discharged they told me to not let her sleep more than 4 hours at a time because she needed to eat. I was to wake her to eat. So for the first couple of weeks I did feed on a schedule. Now we have graduated back to on demand feeding. She has “cluster fed” a few times but it wasn’t really that bad. I look at her in awe. I look at my body in awe. for 39 weeks 5 days I kept her alive inside my body and I am still keeping her alive with my body via my breast milk. The female body is an amazing thing. I have been debating on if I should or shouldn’t post breastfeeding pictures on my blog. I think for now I will vote against it. I don’t want to embarrass Kennady later on in life anymore than I already am. HaHa! I’m just so in love with her and our bond. She’s gaining weight and getting longer.  My name is no longer Inza I’m now called “Mommy Milk” and that is A-OK with me.
Kennady’s mommy!

I just watch her sleep


I’m sitting here rather upset and all I can do to keep from crying is watch my sweet Kennady sleep. I want to pick her up and hold her tight but I don’t want to wake her. Babies need their sleep after all. So I watch from the edge of the bed. I got myself an early Mother’s Day gift. A necklace that says “For this child I have prayed”.  Tonight just upset me and talking about it here could end up costing me a lot. So I sit and try not to cry. Then I think crying may help. I’ve heard crying is healthy. I’ve also heard crying burns calories so between breastfeeding and crying I should be a size 2 by Halloween. So now I shall pump. My tiny human refuses to take a bottle so the pumped milk may just sit in the freezer til it’s out of date. Who knows maybe I’ll donate it.

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I’m so in love!

She’s just my everything!!! I have been so busy breastfeeding , staring at her, kissing her adorable toes , changing diapers, smiling, laughing, cuddling and kissing her chubby cheeks that I have forgotten to blog. I’m soooooooooooo sorry. Kennady is just the most amazing tiny human ever.
Now I ask you when did hospital pictures get so darn “fancy”? I’m not complaining but wow they are GREAT now!! Our hospital uses Bella Baby Photography. They came right to the NICU the day Kennady was being discharged. The photographer setup her props and stuff in the middle of our pod (there are 4 babies per NICU pod). I went home and got a couple different outfits for her to wear. What happened next was not only a lot of fun but made my heart feel good. Having a baby in the NICU isn’t easy. It’s scary, tiring , draining and emotional so when I saw a few of the NICU nurses come over and start helping with Kennady’s photo shoot I was like WOW these women really do care about these tiny little sick babies. It became a big “party”. Nurses came and watched the shoot as did one of the mommies from our pod. We laughed , talked, moved props and soothed Kennady when need be. It was a lot of fun. Our photographer was amazing. She pretty much started shooting when she walked in the door. She got some great candid shots with my mom , Kennady and I. I love those the most. We even got to use the wreath that Amy made for my baby shower as a prop.  All in all I’m overly happy with how everything turned out with the photo shoot. I just love her!!!
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NYC Expert Last Lip Color


I got this NYC Expert Last Lip color in my VoxBox. I love how how long it lasts. It’s not the best color for my skin tone but for parties or a fun concert it would be great. I put the lip color on around noon and it stayed on until after 4:30pm when I went swimming. The only reason it came off then was because I wiped it off with my towel. Who knows how long it would have lasted had I not gone swimming and needed to wipe off. I am totally going to try another shade of this product.



My new VoxBox!!

As many of you know I’m a member of and I get these really cool voxboxes filled with amazing products all for FREE!!! This time I got the UniVoxBox . This was a great box! I was actually having a pretty bad day when I got this box in the mail. lets just say all the products made me smile. Stay tuned and I’ll give you my honest opinion on a few of these products in future posts.