I have a friend who has said many of the things you’re just not supposed to say to a pregnant woman. I don’t understand people. When I first found out about Lentil (that’s what I call the baby. Damon doesn’t like it lol) he said that I shouldn’t tell anyone I’m pregnant because the baby might die. NOW most pregnant women have a fear of miscarriage. TELLING us that this could happen is NOT something we want to hear from anyone let alone someone we view as a friend. That was when I was like 7 weeks pregnant. I’m now 16 weeks+ and I made a comment about not being able to tell the gender of the baby yet because he/she had his/her legs closed. This person replied with well it’s about time one of you kept your legs closed. WTF really?!!? I just laughed it off but I’m so over this friendship it isn’t even funny. I have got to get rid of negative people. I want Lentil to be around those will will care about him/her. I have come to the realization that life really is too short to surround yourself with bitter people. I can understand not loving your life but why take it out on others just because they are happy? I guess the old saying to true misery loves company. Well I refuse to keep misery company. I have a wonderful relationship (that of course is not without its problems) , a great family that drives me crazy, true friends who love me and are happy for us and we’re having a healthy baby. What more could one ask for? I pray for my friends and former friends. I hope they are all able to find happiness in their lives. We all have our down times but why try to bring others down with you?

I sit here and hold my tummy and smile. I talk to Damon and I smile. I find myself smiling a lot lately.

I think turning 30 did something to me. I grew up a lot. I was already an adult but something about 30 made me take a lot of things more seriously. i started to look at the world and life differently. Now being pregnant again at 33 has totally changed my life and views on many things. My new view is love.


17 weeks Day 2

I’m VERY excited!

I am so excited about this baby. Sometimes it seems like I’m the only one. Ok maybe not 100% true. I have some GREAT friends who are very happy for me but my mother just isn’t one of them. She went with me to my ultrasound because I want her to be involved. The sono tech asked her if she was excited about a new grandbaby. She said no. I just laughed like she was joking. She wasn’t. As i laid there on the table looking at my beautiful baby my mom pretty much sat there and groaned about how long it was taking and how she couldn’t see anything yet and why did I go at 16 weeks when they can’t see much. She even went so far as to ask the tech “don’t they all look alike at this age? What’s the point?” I was still thrilled.
I was trying to get a surprise gender ultrasound for Damon but the baby just didn’t want to give up the goods. Our baby started off face down. Then started moving and didn’t stop. At one point  the baby looked AT the “camera” and  put his/her lil hand up in front of their face. I said yep getting ready for a paparazzi. Please no pictures no pictures. lol The tech giggled. I got to see the heart beat , the spine, the wittle face , hands, legs and brain. The poor tch couldn’t get very many “good” pictures because our little Lentil just wouldn’t stop moving. lol Oy

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16 weeks Day 6

Had a good weekend.


On Saturday the Mr and his mini me came and picked me up. We went and hung out at the mall for awhile and had lunch. Then we they were having a concert in the court yard thingy.The boy band After Romeo was performing and taking pictures with all the screaming tween and teen girls. I felt sooooo old. I actually had to go and ask one of the moms who the heck these kids were. I didn’t feel bad when she had to look at her daughter’s key chain to tell me the band’s name. We sat and listened and the kiddo danced her little heart out. We walked around for a bit then made our way to See’s candy. I was craving dark chocolate covered almonds. While standing in line for about 20 minutes I started to feel sick. I got my dark chocolate covered almonds and left. I got outside and almost fell into Damon’s arms. He wasn’t too thrilled about that because he had already said we should go home instead of walking around the mall. Oddly like a minute later I was fine. I’m starting to think my Closter phobia has gotten worse with pregnancy. We started to leave then SDS wanted candy and we went looking for a candy store and happened upon the Nestle Toll House cookie store. YES PLEASE!! Even though they aren’t gluten free so I had a strawberry banana smoothie.  It was really good but it kind of “separated”.  I hope to have way more weekends like this :)


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Inza 16 weeks day 4

Ha ha!



I saw this on Facebook and thought it was kinda cute.


15 weeks day 7

Happy yet feeling guilty

Yesterday was my second actual prenatal appointment. I was so excited I could hardly sleep last night. Damon drove down the day before and we stayed at a beautiful hotel. We got up this morning had breakfast and took off to the doctor’s office. Now I have zero sense of direction and the Mr. refuses to use his GPS. Of course this means nothing good. My appointment was at 9am. We arrived at 9:25am after ending up two towns over. Thankfully I had all of my paper work prefilled out so that was good and killed about 20 minutes of wait time.  The nurse calls my name and Damon and I went walking back there. First thing out of Damon’s mouth was “I’m here against my will”. We get into the exam room and the nurse asks me how my pregnancy has been going. Damon not missing a beat says “WAIT!! You’re pregnant? I thought we were here for an ear infection?” The nurse says “you roofied him didn’t you?” I said yep and we all fell out laughing.
The nurse had to leave and tell other nurses and my midwife. My midwife walks in and asked me if I needed a refill on my roofies. I was like nah I'm already pregnant I'll call you again after March. She said "sounds good to me" and put her gloves on. lol. She went to check my cervix and says to her nurse "lube me up Scottie" which made DF about die since he's a HUGE  Star Trek fan. She tries to find the baby's heart beat with the doppler but couldn't so she took us into the ultrasound room. We see the baby and the heart beat. DF says "is that a penis?!?" My midwife replies with "no fool that's an arm. If that's a penis I'm calling Guinness".  We didn't get a print out since it was an "unofficial" ultrasound just to see the heart beat. I was thankful to see even if I didn't get a print out. At my 20 weeks u/s they said I'll get 3 or more pictures. So that made me smile. All in all everyone made me feel a heck of a lot better. 
I was informed I am to ALWAYS bring DF with me to all of my appointments and they will work around HIS schedule. I'm like what about my schedule?!? lol

I feel "guilty" about being so happy over our baby being ok when my mom , aunt and rest of my family are so sad and unhappy. I have a right to be happy but I almost feel bad.

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15 weeks Day 5

I hate being alone

I feel really selfish complaining but I kinda need to get it out. The Mr. and I live about an hour apart right now which makes it pretty hard to see each other. Before I got pregnant we spent every Friday, Saturday and Sunday together. I would hop on the train and go see him.  Now we might not see each other for two weeks or so. I’m not even invited to come down anymore. I understand he works long hours. I get that. This always alone feelings has really started to suck. I thought this was going to be a partnership and it doesn’t really feel like that. It feels like I’m just pregnant and alone 99% of the time. It doesn’t help that the weekends are the only time he has his 3 year old daughter. So again I’m left sitting at home crying most times. I know a lot of it is hormones but a lot of it is genuine sadness. I have no doubt that he loves me that’s not even a question. I’d just love to know where the baby and I fit in or don’t fit in.  I need to find more mommy friends or just friends in general. I have focused on my career for so many years my personal life has kinda suffered. Most of my “friends” are work related and in some cases internet based. So again ,“alone”.

I went from looking at wedding dresses to sitting around the house alone and trying to throw myself into work as much as possible. I guess more work is always good, right?  When I’m not working I sit and cry because I’m paranoid about the baby being ok. I have had a lot of conversations with God. Mostly me begging for my child’s health. I’d love a hug and a “everything is going to be ok” just once. With so many weeks between my doctor’s appointments I start to get even more paranoid that something is wrong. It also doesn’t help that I am 15 weeks pregnant and I haven’t actually felt the baby move yet. Nor have I told many people about my pregnancy so I don’t have anyone really to talk to. Sooooooooooo here I am :)

Of course a lot of the feelings go away when he finally calls and we have fun laughing and talking. As soon as I hang up the phone all the alone feelings come back. I’m VERY thankful that I don’t have to do it financially alone but the emotionally alone thing stings. I understand I’m a very lucky woman believe me I do. I just get sad sometimes.  I’d rather not just smile and pretend everything is ok but I also don’t want to be  a whiny partner when I know he has other responsibilities and I honestly do respect that, which is why I try to only whine on my blog lol. I don’t want to ever make him feel bad. That would break my heart.

I guess I’ll go make myself something pretty. I like pretty things, they make me smile. :)   I feel better already.

OK so I’m still looking at wedding dresses too lol

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15 weeks Day 2

I’m not part of the “family” anymore…

This kinda sucks because I can’t actually fully explain the situation for fear of losing my contract with this company. SO this might not make sense but I just need to vent.  I’ve worked with this wonderful company for the last 12 or so years. The people have always been amazing from the owner on down. We’ve always called ourselves “a family”. It’s always felt that way. We had a work event come up and everyone was invited to go but me. The funny thing is I wanted to go to the event to share my happy baby news with my work”family”. I know it may sound silly but they really have become a second family to me over the years. I was so excited about being able to share this happy moment with them. Turns out I’m just not part of the family anymore. For me that hurts. I feel sorta stupid because I still feel this company is the best in their business. I still think the people are amazing and great even if they don’t feel the same way about me.
I guess I came to my blog with this because Damon is kind of a hard ass. Something I love and hate about him. He thinks I should just move on and not care. Easy to say but I’m an emotional person. A lot of these people were there for me through some really dark times. I’ve met some of my best friends there. They’ve given me a lot so the idea of them not “wanting” me really does hurt. I mean I’ll get over it. I guess maybe I’m just a ball of hormones who was excited to share my happy news after 10 years of fertility failures.


14 weeks Day 7

Coughed and peed


So it finally happened. I coughed and peed myself. Not a lot just a little bit. It happened a few days ago (14 weeks day2) but I was embarrassed to even post it. Then I figured hell this is a truthful blog. An honest look at my own pregnancy journey so screw it YES I PEED IN MY UNDIES WHEN I COUGHED!! Thankfully I was at home so I was able to change my undies and keep on with my day. I thought this would happen later in pregnancy. Oy! I guess that’s all I have to say about that!



14 weeks Day 4

I no feel well :(


I went to the mall today with the Mr. and the 3 year old to buy shoes. Well today it was 100 degrees and Victoria Gardens mall is an outdoor mall. We played in the water, went on the train, stopped at the candy store and went looking for shoes and pinup clothes. I was fine when we got to the pinup store but after about 10 minutes I got really hot and started to sweat and feel like I was about to pass out. I guess it was too darn hot. The manager of the store offered to call 911 because I looked that bad. He was kind enough to go and get me some paper towels. I sat for awhile and felt half way ok enough to walk to the car. We got to the parking lot and Damon and the munchkin went to go get the car. I was leaning against the wall then all of the sudden I got hot again and sat down IN THE PARKING LOT!! So there I sit with my dress on in the parking lot. Damon looked a bit scared when he drove up. The look on his face scared me so I got up on my own and got in the car. I slept most of the way home. I got home and got in the bed and slept for like 4 hours. I felt MUCH better after that. Last time this happened my mother took my blood sugar and blood pressure and BOTH were low. So I guess the next step is the gestational diabetes test. Icky pooh!! You have to drink that chalky crap. NOT looking forward to that but hey if it keeps baby and I healthy I’m all for it. *twitch*  Now I’m off to find apple juice. I’ve discovered I love apple juice! WHO KNEW?!!?



14 weeks day 2

Family Day


Damon and I like to make weekends “family days” with his 3 year old daughter (my soon to be step daughter). This week’s family day was spent at the Aquarium of the Pacific.  During the summer it’s only $14.95 after like 4pm or 5pm. Which is pretty cool instead of like almost $30. It was a fun day had by all. I walked most of the time and I was totally ok. Maybe that whole you get your energy thing back is true. Tho I did come home and sleep for like 12 hours. I touched a shark, Jelly Fish, Star Fish and other sea life that I really can’t identify. I didn’t even know you could touch Jelly Fish without getting stung. It was pretty cool.


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13 weeks day 4

The best parents are those….

It always seems to be the best parents are the ones who don’t actually have kids. I’ve always had a pretty open approach to parenting. I always tend to laugh at those who say “Oh I KNOW exactly how I am going to raise my kids.” Yeah ok just wait until the kid gets here. Children are not mini us. We’d like to think so but they are their own individual people. They have their own thoughts , minds, feelings and spirits. Each child is different. What works for one child may not work for another child even if they are raised in the same house and share DNA. Children are PEOPLE not science experiments. There is no universal way to raise ALL children. Not even ones from the same family. I wish people would go into parenting with a lil less “fantasy” and more of an understanding that this child or children are going to be their own people. I hope I'm around to sit and laugh at all the know it all parents when their kids prove to them that they don't know shit. lol


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