I hate being alone

I feel really selfish complaining but I kinda need to get it out. The Mr. and I live about an hour apart right now which makes it pretty hard to see each other. Before I got pregnant we spent every Friday, Saturday and Sunday together. I would hop on the train and go see him.  Now we might not see each other for two weeks or so. I’m not even invited to come down anymore. I understand he works long hours. I get that. This always alone feelings has really started to suck. I thought this was going to be a partnership and it doesn’t really feel like that. It feels like I’m just pregnant and alone 99% of the time. It doesn’t help that the weekends are the only time he has his 3 year old daughter. So again I’m left sitting at home crying most times. I know a lot of it is hormones but a lot of it is genuine sadness. I have no doubt that he loves me that’s not even a question. I’d just love to know where the baby and I fit in or don’t fit in.  I need to find more mommy friends or just friends in general. I have focused on my career for so many years my personal life has kinda suffered. Most of my “friends” are work related and in some cases internet based. So again ,“alone”.

I went from looking at wedding dresses to sitting around the house alone and trying to throw myself into work as much as possible. I guess more work is always good, right?  When I’m not working I sit and cry because I’m paranoid about the baby being ok. I have had a lot of conversations with God. Mostly me begging for my child’s health. I’d love a hug and a “everything is going to be ok” just once. With so many weeks between my doctor’s appointments I start to get even more paranoid that something is wrong. It also doesn’t help that I am 15 weeks pregnant and I haven’t actually felt the baby move yet. Nor have I told many people about my pregnancy so I don’t have anyone really to talk to. Sooooooooooo here I am :)

Of course a lot of the feelings go away when he finally calls and we have fun laughing and talking. As soon as I hang up the phone all the alone feelings come back. I’m VERY thankful that I don’t have to do it financially alone but the emotionally alone thing stings. I understand I’m a very lucky woman believe me I do. I just get sad sometimes.  I’d rather not just smile and pretend everything is ok but I also don’t want to be  a whiny partner when I know he has other responsibilities and I honestly do respect that, which is why I try to only whine on my blog lol. I don’t want to ever make him feel bad. That would break my heart.

I guess I’ll go make myself something pretty. I like pretty things, they make me smile. :)   I feel better already.

OK so I’m still looking at wedding dresses too lol

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15 weeks Day 2

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